Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Comment Wall

Put your comments here!


  1. Jennifer, I like the layout of your page. The dark green background with green text works well together. I’m not sure if the story has any relation to spring, but it seemed ironic that the image of the tree was void of much color if it was indeed spring. After the introductory paragraph I found myself introspecting on what it would be like to be isolated in a garden. I found that Sita’s comments were actually very believable – I totally see why someone in her shoes would think about each passing day in that manner. I found the story itself to be very engaging. I think I could have read through all four stories if they were available. The abrupt ending left me to speculate as to just who this person could have been. She dressed as if she were royal, but wandered about in the forest? Good job with the introduction!

  2. Jenny, I just read the introduction to your storybook, and it is really good! Your writing is very clear, concise and easy to read. I also think that your introduction gives a good look at whats to come in your storybook. You brought a lot of personality to Sita, who was very wary about who was creeping around the forest (I don't blame her!). Your storybook is also very well laid out. I like the colors you picked as well as the layout you chose. Great beginning to your storybook!

  3. Logistically your site is very good. The text against the background is easy to read and visually appealing. Also, the links on the pictures on both your cover page and introduction page work well.

    I do have a few small things to point out to you. Such as from the sentence “everything else was taken away from me” and the next, you have an extra space. Also, the sentence following that starts “Just like this nightmare” is a bit confusing and I had to read it over a few times before I could discover what you were actually talking about.

    Also in the sentence, “It was certainly a woman but not an asura” there should be a comma between “woman” and “not” which will help the sentence read easier.

    It is also a bit confusing to me as to what your introduction is trying to set up, or where your Storybook is going to be about. So you may want to try and expand a bit as if to tell what Persephone’s goal is in Lanka or what will happen later.

    Besides that, I really liked your introduction. You had some good word choice in the passage, and I would like to read more of your work to learn what is actually happening.

  4. Your introduction is really intriguing. Your story writing style is what makes it interesting. However, I feel a little confused as to what is going on. As your introduction, I feel like you should take some time to give the reader more details about what is going to be going on throughout your story. Another possibility could be to give the readers more background information on the topic. That would really help to clarify who is even speaking. I am not sure most of us have even read about Persephone, so giving the reader some of the information that you found while doing research could make the intro really cool. Overall though, I really enjoy your introduction. It kind of ends as a cliff hanger making the reader wanting to know more. Great work! Keep it up! I can;t wait to read your final work. I think it is going to be great.

  5. Comments for Storybook "The Girls of Spring"


    First impression of your site is good! I am a firm believer in less is more. The site format is simple, clean, and beautiful. I think the colors and little decorative branch at the top go well with the title. And the picture at the home page is truly beautiful. The image is delicate, which is consistent with that I think of when picturing Spring!

    AHH! I can already tell I am going to like this. As soon as I finished your introduction and read the words "I am Persephone". She is a great character from mythology! And since I already know her story, agree that she is a good choice of parallel for Sita. Both abducted women. And again, beautiful picture! And I enjoyed the mirrored actions between Sita and Persephone, which furthers the idea that they are paralleled.

    Since everyone reading your story has read "The Ramayana" and knows the story of Sita's abduction, I felt that it was obvious who you were speaking about in your introduction. However, for someone who maybe is not familiar with her abduction story, it may be slightly confusing where she is and why.

    Spring Flowers:

    I like that Persephone doesn't give up much about who she is in this story. She is simple. I imagine her just giving straightforward answers, with no overwhelming clue as to what she's like.

    I had hoped that, somehow, Persephone would know Sita's background - why she was there, who she was. She would ask Sita, so as to not appear suspicious, but secretly would already know.

  6. Hey Jennifer,

    I really liked your picture. It perfectly depicts what I would have imagined a woman during the spring. I especially liked that she was actually holding a basket of flowers. It was a nice touch. Your introduction was absolutely amazing! It certainly did not feel at all like in introduction, but more like the beginning of a story, which is what I really liked about it. I actually found it to be more like the prologue of a book or the end of chapter one. The cliffhanger was absolutely amazing! Be careful not to begin all of your sentences with “I” because it can become a bit repetitive. Try replacing the “I” with “while,” or even just flip the words around (I quietly → quietly I).

    Oh want an awesome way of combining two wonderful stories. Combined stories like this are always so exciting and generally very good. I would have never made the connection that the two of them had similar stories because they had both been captured by someone. Very clever! Cannot wait to read the rest!

  7. Jenny, I know I just posted a comment, but I wanted to say that I am very excited to read the rest of your storybook! I keep thinking about it. You are a great writer, and are especially talented at cliffhangers. Keep up the good work!

  8. Hey Jennifer!
    Intriguing idea for a storybook! Your introduction was awesome! I really like this concept. I know nothing of Greek Mythology but I still followed your storybook well. I was confused on where you were planning to go with this until I got to the author’s note, but that is not necessarily a problem. It did add to my intrigue! Good job on your layout, background, and picture choice. They fit your storybook perfectly. Below I left a few corrections:
    Look at this sentence: “I am here for a visit. I just came back and wanted to see Lanka in the spring. The Indian lotus flowers are beautiful this time of year,” The stranger replied holding up her hands to caution me.” There is an extra space after the dialogue and “the stranger” and you also should not capitalize “the” because it is not a new sentence.
    “Basketful” is a word, you do not need to say “basket full” as two separate words.
    “I don’t think she intends to harm me, but is she only here to simply collect flowers?” The words “simple” and “only” feel a bit repetitive. You might consider either removing one of them, or changing “only” to really, truly, etc. For example: “I don’t think she intends to harm me, but is she really here to simply collect flowers?”
    “Well, after being abducted by a Demon King from my loving husband, I have been forced to live out my days in this garden because I refuse to live within the Demon’s palace out of respect to my marriage and my oath to live in exile with my husband who I await to rescue me.” You would not capitalize “Demon King” unless the sentence refers to a specific one. You could either remove the capitalization, or change the wording to make it specific, such as: “the Demon King.” When you use the article “a” it sounds very commonplace, certainly not appropriate for a proper noun.
    “I decided to put in an image of flower and name the story "Spring Flowers" because both women are named after and represent nature and spring!” This sentence in your author’s note just need the word “a” before “flower”!

  9. Hey Jennifer! I really enjoyed your theme of Girls of Spring and your pictures really fit the theme of your storybook. Your introduction grasped my attention and immediately I knew the story was about Sita. You made her sound so graceful and beautiful even though it was obvious she was abandoned by Rama. You kept the story in a positive note and I really liked that because that was how Sita was depicted in Ramayana. Moreover, your layout was quite beautiful. It was simple but it kept the theme of "spring" which I thought was quite nice. I wonder what other women you're going to add to the story to fit in the theme of spring. I can't wait to read ore of your stories just because I'm curious what other women you might add to your storybook. I also liked how you italicized Sita's thoughts when she encountered Persophone. It really showed the contrast from her thoughts and words. Also a great combination of Indian and Greek Mythology! Such a clever idea, keep up the good work!

  10. I loved your introduction. You did a great job of describing what Sita may have been thinking while she was in captivity. I believe you portrayed he strength very well! She seems like a very strong woman and you did a good job of showing it.

    I also like the end of your introduction, because it left me wanting more. I wanted to know what happened next, so I went on to read your first story. You picked a good picture for your introduction! I like how you put Sita’s thoughts in Italic it helped me to distinguish from what was being said and what she was thinking.

    Good job of showing Sita’s inner thoughts and process of coming to a conclusion of trusting Persephone. It seemed like a very logical and rational thought process, which is nice to see in a story that is so out of the ordinary.

    You did a good job of leaving it open to continue another story! Keep up the great work! I can’t wait to come back and read some more.

  11. When I read the final bit to your introduction, my thought process was “ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod PLOT TWIST.” I absolutely love your storybook so far! Bringing together different mythologies and characters (female characters, especially!) is such a wonderful idea! I can definitely see the similarities between Sita and Persephone. I also like their distinct personalities, and I had no trouble distinguishing between the two in the dialogue. I had no idea about the significance behind the names, so that’s really fascinating. The picture you chose for your introduction page really adds to my perception of the story and the setting and character of Persephone (I’m also a huge fan of John William Waterhouse, so great choice!). The scene when Persephone tells Sita that she was kidnapped too was both incredulously humorous, and very well done as a plot point. I’m really looking forward to reading the continuation to the story. Keep up the great storytelling!

  12. Hi Jennifer! I really love the start to your storybook! I've always loved studying Greek and Roman religion and mythology and was excited to see you push Persephone and Sita together into a story.

    Your background and fonts are perfect for the story and the spring theme. The two pictures you have chosen so far are beautiful. Your writing was good and very descriptive which made it easy for me to see the scene of these two girls meeting. Sita's thoughts in the first story were also very interesting to read as she tries to decide how much to trust this mysterious woman who appeared in the garden.

    You are off to a great start! Like you said, Sita and Persephone have similar stories and that will be interesting to see play out. Something you may want to consider for future stories (if you haven't already) is that Rama's role in Sita's story is very similar to Persephone's mother, Demeter, in Hades abduction of Persephone. Rama and Demeter may be another connection that could add to the girls' similar experiences. (Demeter walks across the entire earth looking for her daughter and making trying to make deals with other gods and mortals for her daughter's safe return.)

    Sorry this is a long comment but great job so far! I look forward to reading more of your storybook!

  13. Hi, Jennifer! The first thing that popped out at me was the color and layout of your cover page. The Japanese cherry blossom tree branch, the green color, your title “The Girls of Spring” and the image of the woman standing by the tree all complement each other so well. This is probably the only storybook I’ve seen so far that looks this great aesthetically. Woah to your introduction! I was not expecting Persephone to be tied into this story. That is awesome! I like the way you wrote about Sita and how she is still staying positive even after the abduction. I think in the Ramayana it was portrayed this way as well so I like that you kept it that way too. Your introduction made me want to read more, so great job with that! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything where two completely different mythologies are brought together. Overall, I think your site is amazing and I can’t wait to read more of your stories later on!

  14. Hi Jennifer!

    I absolutely love the theme for your storybook. Combining Sita's story with Persephone's from Greek mythology was very clever. My love for Greek mythology is part of the reason why I chose to take this course and learn more about the ancient stories from India.

    Your introduction looks great. One thing I noticed was the beginning of the first paragraph, "All days are the same here," and the beginning sentence of the second paragraph, "All days were the same after my abduction," are almost identical. Perhaps you could think of another opening sentence for either paragraph so that it doesn't become too repetitive. I love the image at the bottom of your introduction.

    In Spring Flowers, I hoped there would be more background information on both Sita and Persephone. Most of your readers are probably going to be familiar with Sita's story, but many may not be familiar with Persephone's. I think adding some specifics about each woman's abduction in the Author's note would be extremely helpful for your readers who may be unfamiliar with the background stories.

    Great job!

  15. Jennifer,

    I am very excited since this will be the first time that I have visited your project. The layout and theme of the site really compliments the style and topic that you have projected to have chosen. Your introduction is well written and the flow of the text is great. The ending of your intro is suspenseful, and I was not expecting the turn in events that you have chosen to implement. I couldn't wait to move on to your first story.

    I love love love Greek mythology and knew who Persephone was when I read her name. I do know of her background and how Hades had kidnapped, and tricked, her into staying with him in the underworld. I am very excited to read more of you storybook in the future. You have such a creative idea that you have presented here, I seriously admire and have to applaud you. I know I sound like such a dork, but I if I haven't made it clear I love Greek mythology. Hopefully with Persephone's stories, Sita will be a little relaxed during her time in waiting for Rama.

  16. Hi again, Jennifer! I was excited to continue reading your storybook when I saw you had posted a new story since last time I had read it.

    I thought you did a great job with this story as well! You did a great job describing Persephone's story as well as Sita's experience and thoughts while listening to Persephone talk. The entire story flows very well and it's easy to read with your paragraph breaks. I also didn't notice any grammar or punctuation errors.

    I think your story book has been my favorite so far in the class. Really good job!

  17. Hello Jennifer! I am commenting on your blog design and layout! I've seen several people use the background you have and I think its pretty cool looking. You have a organized layout which makes it easier for the readers to navigate the blog. You might want to readjust the size of the side menu bar to make it more equal. The color match between the font color and the background color is great! Nice blog :)

  18. I really enjoyed the concept of your storybook! I think it is a challenge to combine two different legends from very different times in a cohesive manner. But so far you are doing a great job! On your welcoming page, it is pretty but I have absolutely no idea what I am reading. Maybe add some sort of caption with your picture (which is great by the way) in order to make it more immediately apparent what your storybook is concerned with. Again, your introduction left me feeling a little confused as to what I walking into. However, your writing is excellent. The way you described Persephone’s feet being dyed from walking among the earth was beautiful. And the way you described Sita’s once yellow sari being stained with dirt was good as well. Excellent writing and I cannot wait to see how these two legends mesh together in the future!

  19. Hey!
    Great addition to your storybook! Today I read and reviewed “Spring Awakening”. This story did add a lot in the way of explaining why you chose these two characters. I like that Sita’s internal thoughts are included, as well. You did a wonderful job! Your story is clear, has good sentence flow, and a great picture!
    Below are a few corrections for you to consider:
    In the first paragraph, “I sat down on the ground to listen as she still stood and used the whole garden to elaborate her tale.” You might want to remove the word “still”, or put it after the word “stood. I am not totally sure, at first I thought you meant to say she was standing still, not moving. But now that I have seen the entire sentence, it seems you are saying she moves around: “used the whole garden”. If that is the case, I would just remove the word “still”.
    In the paragraph beginning with, “A sad smile” you might change, “It was. For a while.” To this, “It was, for a while. You still get the pause effect, without having a fragment.
    In your author’s note, “Both links will help break down her origin as she is Greek mythology's explanation for the seasons.” I would add a comma after “origin” and before “as”.

  20. Hello Jennifer!

    I enjoyed visiting and reading your storybook! I like the green layout and the flowers at the top of the website. The website looks very good! I read your introduction and it gave a handful amount of details on how the storybook is going to be.

    I read your story "spring Awakening" and I thought it was really interesitn how you combined the two different epics. Your story did an awesome job on presenting Sita. Because Sita went throught a lot during her life, there were enough detail to describe how she felt on the inside.

    The flow of the sentence was great and your writing skills is great! The pictures you put on the introduction page was so elegant. On your story, the lotus flow was so beautiful! I enjoyed reading your author's note and thought it was really cool how Sita's name meant furrow.

    Great story!

  21. Jenny,

    This post is in response to your story titled "Spring Awakening." It seems like Persephone was, to some degree, protected from all of the austerities of the real world. Why is it that many storybook characters are raised this way?
    So it turned out that her mother had no choice but to keep her in the garden? Ah!
    I think that if you would have elaborated on just what the “abundant wildlife” was, then you could have made your story so much more rich and captivating. I mean, it has the plot of a great tale – don’t get me wrong – but I think it could have been much more ‘vibrant’ if you would have elaborated.
    I enjoy the fact that these two characters, from seemingly opposite sides of the world, end up together conversing.
    Thanks for including the links; they both provided another dimension of Persephone’s character.
    I read a story of yours a few weeks back and I was excited to come back and read some more. You did not disappoint – well done!

  22. Comments for Storybook

    "Spring Awakening"

    I read your other story "Spring Flowers" a few weeks ago and have been waiting for you to add another story! I was really interested in seeing where you went with it.

    Well I have to say, I was definitely NOT expecting you to take that route with Persephone! Her story was exactly like Sita's and in the original story, she hated her abductor and never had any qualms with her mother. I think you should add the details of the original story of Persephone to your authors note and then explain why you made the changes to it.

    Having the tweak in Persephone's story definitely is an interesting contrast to Sita's situation and how she could have dealt with being abducted. I wonder, did you write this thinking that Sita SHOULD have accepted and lived with Ravana, or just point out that it was an option for her. Is one woman better than the other for making the decision they did?


    "... she still stood and used the whole garden to elaborate her tale." - "elaborate" doesn't quite seem like the right word. Perhaps you could try "recount", "relate", "chronicle"

    "I exclaimed with my thoughts filled with an enchanting forest..." - using "with" sounds redundant. Perhaps try "I exclaimed as my thought filled with pictures of an enchanting forest..."

    "...what she originally gave me, a life." - try a colon rather than a comma here.

  23. Hi Jenny,
    Starting off with your introduction, I was instantly sucked in. I was not sure what your story was going to be about with the label “girls of spring” so I just decided to wing it and read. Like I said, the intro sucked me in!! I like how Sita was out in the garden talking about how her life in Lanka was a terrible nightmare when Persephone arrived. It was really cute that you added how she came to see the lotus flowers in the spring. I personally have an obsession with lotus flowers because of the beautiful message behind them! I love how Sita explained her situation about being abducted by her husband and how Persephone responded. She was also abducted but the man is her husband now. I am looking forward to reading your next story and I wonder if Sita will consider giving in to Ravana’s request. Great story and originality!!

  24. Hey Jenny!

    I'm going to start off with the main page of your storybook. I really love the image as well as the colors! The green background makes it look very much like Spring and the artwork on the main page makes it look even more 'spring-like' so job well done there! Your font is really great too and so is your entire theme.

    I read the Spring Flowers story and I am slightly familiar with the Persephone story and definitely loved how you mixed those two legends, makes it really cool. I love the whole flowers concept you're playing with, because someone who loves flowers and learning all about them. The back and forth between Sita and Persephone is great!

    I was interested what was going to unfold after I read your title "Girls in Spring" ... it reminded me of girls hitting puberty for some reason :D but regardless I'm glad I entered and read your stories! Love them all so good job!

  25. Hi Jennifer, I really like the first page of your storybook and the background, I think it goes very nicely with the title of the storybook. I loved your introduction, but at the end when it just leaves off I think it should have a little more to it, it feels as though (and I promise I'm not saying this to be judgy or rude or anything, it's just the impression I got) you reached the word count you needed and just stopped, rather than leaving off at a better place. Perhaps you could give us a little more information about who Persephone is and what the storybook will be about? Your first story doesn't feel like a story, but rather the rest of your introduction. If you added this in to the introduction page and then started your story where Persephone's story began, that would make it feel much more finished and thought out. Your second story is good.

  26. Hi Jenny,

    I'm back again! Here are my comments for your storybook "Spring Blossoms". I'm glad you made Persephone ask Sita if she would ever considering submitting to Ravana, since that is what she did to her own abductor. While I'm glad Sita stuck to her convictions, I think that conversation could have gone a lot deeper. It seems Persephone would probably prod a little more rather than just accept Sita's answer.

    The two women together have a really interesting dynamic. Both share experiences that most people would never have, and yet they seem like very different people. You did a nice job with your storybook. Congratulations on finishing it!

    "Most girls would be insulted to live with a husband, who could rightfully be king, in a small wooded abode but not me." - I'd suggest revising this a little bit, since it's a little awkward and wordy. Perhaps you could try "Most girls would be insulted to live in a small home in the woods when they should, rightfully, be with their husband in the palace. But I always enjoyed that time with Rama."

    "The gods thought so too, because they willed him to be the only man who could compete an impossible task so I became his bride.” - needs to be a comma before "too". I think "compete" is supposed to be "complete". Rather than "so", try "in order for me to become his bride".

    "He’s the only man I have ever known to be always be faithful to his wife." - need to remove one of the "be"s, either before or after "always".

  27. Hey Jenny,
    From the very beginning I really liked how your story had to do with Spring that the color scheme is different colors of green. It reminded me of a beautiful garden filled with flowers of all different kings. I also really liked the picture of the woman at the very beginning as well. The picture had her with a basket of flowers and I think fit your book nicely. I believe once I ended up reading your story that the lady is Sita. I like how you incorporated the lotus into the story. I think that was a huge part of Sita’s story. You also added in your story about Sita’s abduction and how the man that abduction her is in fact her husband now. Crazy how things like that end up happening. Overall, I think that I am really going to like your stories. I hope that I get the opportunity to read all of them.

  28. Hey Jenny,
    I really like your storybook topic, it's so unique. Bringing together two characters like Persephone and Sita was really smart and they fit together so well! The title of the book also fits together so perfectly with what Persephone and Sita represent. Your website theme looks great, and fits perfectly with your storybook topic as well. You did a great job setting up this website, it's simple, easy to read and looks great!
    The story I chose to read was Spring Flower because I wanted to get a feel for what your storybook was all about and figure out how Persephone and Sita came to meet in the first place. This story is very easy to read, flows well and doesn’t have any errors as far as I can tell! I’m really curious as to how Persephone came to be near Lanka, and exactly what she’s going to tell Sita about her story. This is extremely creative. Great job!

  29. What a fun storybook! I thought the concept and theme of your blog was really fun and unique. I haven’t seen anybody base their stories off of space or use that as a theme so I thought that was cool that you decided to go this route. It looks like you put a lot of work into your blog and it definitely showed. Even the font you used looks very extraterrestrial. All the little elements of your site really come together to make it fit your overall theme for the blog. I also thought the images you chose for all of your stories were really cool as well and kind of out of this world. Anyways, great job with your blog and congrats on being nominated and winning for one of the best storybooks in your class! Your effort really showed and your blog turned out really great!

  30. Hello Jenny! I visited your storybook before, but decided to come back and read more stories from you. Again, I love your storybook! It is so pretty and matches the stories very well.I read the last story of yours called "spring blossoms". I like how you used quotations and the sentence structure was great!

    I like how you put the characters together. I thought it was very creative how you included the Greek mythology and Indian epics together. The character of Persephone and Sita are a little different, but you made them work together very well.
    I enjoyed reading your author's note because it really felt like you were speaking to the audience. It thoroughly described how you wrote the story and how you felt about it.

    My favorite line from the story is "From that day on every flower blossomed in the garden healthily basking in sunlight. The plethora of colors and shapes painted the countryside." The imagery your created was incredible! Good job!

  31. Hello Jenny. I really enjoyed the introduction of your storybook. You did a great job grabbing the reader's attention and perking our curiosity. You word choice is very descriptive which makes it very easy to visualize your story. I read the spring flowers story. This is probably the best storybook I have read yet in my opinion. I love Greek mythology and I think it is so cool how you blended these two great topics together. What a great idea it was to show the similarity between Sita and Persephone. You did a really great job making the reader want more. Your picture fit perfectly for your story. The story flowed very well and didn’t contain any errors that I could find. Congratulations on making it to the top storybook list. You definitely earned it. I can tell you put a lot of thought into your storybook. I couldn’t wait to hear what happened next.

  32. Jenny, I really enjoyed reading your storybook. Your introduction reads very well and intrigues the audience from the beginning. Also, your writing ability holds the attention of the audience all the way through your work which can be very hard to do for some readers. There is a reason this is one of the class favorite;s as it was by far one of the betters all around storybook's that I have read. As others have said Greek mythology was one my favorite topics i have studied throughout my life so it was very cool to see how you tied together greek mythology and our course. Ver nice job!

  33. Hey Jenny!

    Wow, what a cool idea for a storybook. I can tell that you put a lot of time into the planning of your stories, setting and characters. I liked that you chose to keep the layout of your storybook simplistic. Some projects that I've read have backgrounds that are really busy and it distracts from their writing. I also liked the picture you put on the homepage of the woman. It made me wonder about who she is and eager to learn about her story.

    I read your introduction and your first story, Spring Flowers. I thought that your sentences flowed nicely and your paragraphs were organized well throughout. I liked that you included some dialogue in the story because it helped me get to know the characters on a deeper level. Also. the quotes help break up the paragraphs and made it easier for me to read.

    Overall, great job! Have a great summer!